2005-11-17
Telos
I have felt like I should post something for Cheated Wife , her husband seems be have been going through a prolonged bought of depression and mid-life crisis. They had a fight which turned into a deep talk last week. Her husband told her among other things that, “he hates that he feels like he's stringing me along, hoping he can become the person i married.” Cheated Wife plaintively asked her guy friends on Dland could shed some light on some of the things he said.
I don’t know her husband and at age 32, I cannot fully understand a true mid-life crisis, but as a husband and a father of three, I think I may have some idea of what I would have meant had I said it. So take it for what it is worth, but here it is…
When we are children have myths and misconceptions about what the “adult” world is like, maybe myths and misconceptions isn’t exactly right. Maybe as we come of age, we are not yet hymned-in by our prior decisions so we perceive our future as wide-open, limitless and nearly at-hand. Do you remember that feeling at eighteen years of age walking across the stage, high school diploma in hand? I was twice, nay three-times, as smart as my parents (and virtually all other living adults). I knew what I wanted to do in life and had my blueprint laid out; all I had to do was execute it.
I am one of the blessed in life. I executed my blueprint about as well as anyone I know. But along the way, life happens. As an eighteen-year-old, the wife in my plan was a brilliant, beautiful, lingerie-wearing nymphomaniac that routinely required my services multiple times a day. The thirty-two year old reality…well, brilliant and beautiful is still pretty good, but damn I do miss the lingerie-wearing nymphomaniac part. And children, do not even go there. Nothing messes with a blueprint like kids. As an eighteen-year-old, you have no idea how kids will affect you. I always knew that I would be a great Dad, so I built it into the plan, but you just don’t know until you have kids what it is like to literally and figuratively take a part of yourself and let it live. For me, it wasn’t until sometime after I had kids that I realized that my future was no longer wide-open and limitless. I am sure other people reach this conclusion earlier (or later) than I did. I am sure that many (maybe most) people eventually feel trapped by the choices they have made, marriage, kids, jobs, level of education, location, etc.
On my profile page, I quote Henry David Thoreau, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Where does that desperation come from? In my opinion, it comes feeling trapped by life. So you are living, but you are no-longer living for yourself, for your dreams. The desperation comes from wanting to regain that sense of vitality (and for men I would say masculinity) that comes from being your own master.
If I were to tell my wife that I was “hoping to become the person you married”, I think I would be telling her that I hoped to overcome that desperation (and frustration) of not being that same person with the confidence and vitality of a limitless future. I believe that as we age, we gain our wisdom by paying a penance of scars from lessons learned along the way. We are all broken and off our plan in some way. It is up to us to become true adults and as the serenity prayer says, “to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference.”
Sometime soon, I am going to do this with my wife and just see where it leads. I am going to ask her and expect to give her my answers as well.
1) When she graduated high school, what did she think she would be doing now, at age 30?
2) If she were not married with kids, what would she be doing today?
3) What has she been thinking about doing but feels like the time for it is not right and what would have to happen to make the timing right?
I don’t know if this was helpful for anyone else, and I have not gone back and read the post, but I feel like I worked through a whole bunch of stuff in writing this down and I am actually looking forward to having this talk with my wife.
One last thing, and if you have stayed with me this long maybe you will take just a minute more. This Link goes to one of the best articles I have read in a long, long time. I recommend clicking on it and reading what it has to say, it is entitled a Scientifically Proven Way to Be Happy and it will give the title of this entry meaning.
If I don’t post next week, have a great Thanksgiving and if you have the chance, volunteer your time to a good cause.
-- rockabillie at 5:43 p.m.