2005-07-18
Seven Year Itch
Seven Year Itch
Well, it is coming a week from today; the 7th anniversary. I told Ms. Turner in a note that my wife has earned a grade of an “A” recently for being a good wife and mother, but she has earned a “D” as a lover. I guess if I really looked over the last couple of years, she would get an “F” as a lover, but I still hold out hope so a “D” will do.
She has always been more of a morning lover, while I am game for anytime of the day or night. It does not help the situation when we have a kid or two coming into our room at 5:30 in the morning telling us it is light outside and that they want breakfast!
Nevertheless, looking frankly at our marriage over the last couple of months, there are few things I need to improve on. She works hard at home each day with our three kids. The youngest is crawling all over the house, while the older two are, shall we say, very spirited and just drain the energy right out of her. By the time I get home in the evening she is understandably ready for a break. I get home from the office and either take the kids swimming or play outside, do bath time, story-time and put the kids to bed. I make my wife some tea and chat about the day, but I have not been very good about making sure to give her the pampering that she needs/deserves. My foot rubs have been less frequent and most of the time when I try to touch her, she just assumes I am trying to grope her or make a pass at her. I need to make sure she gets some non-sexually intended TLC.
I found the article below interesting and I thought I would share it. I guess it just reminded me that the kids are and will continue to take a toll on our relationship and we need to be vigilant not to let our relationship become lost in the noise and confusion.
Study Finds a 7-Year Itch, and a 4-Year One
It is well known that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. With
that in mind, a psychology professor from Wright State University
surveyed husbands and wives once a year over the first decade of their
marriages to observe how marital quality changes over time.
The researcher, Dr. Larry A. Kurdek, found that couples often began their
unions with high levels of marital quality, but that it appeared to
decrease twice: once rather steeply over the first four years and again
after about seven. (The pattern of change was the same for both husbands
and wives.) He also reported that couples with children experienced the
steepest declines.
The research, in the September issue of the journal Development
Psychology, began with a sample of 522 couples. Participants filled out
an annual 32-item questionnaire on various aspects of marital quality.
Sample questions included these: "How satisfied are you with your
marriage?" "How affectionate is your partner?" and "To what extent do you
do things together?" The husbands' and wives' responses were compared
over time; 93 couples participated for the entire decade.
"Most marriages start off with such high levels of quality that it can
only change down," Dr. Kurdek said. "At the start of a relationship you can overlook the fact that he throws his socks around or that she leaves the refrigerator open. Over time, a sense of reality sets in. You'd started off making excuses
for your partner. Then you don't. It's a natural evolution.
"The second dip is more difficult to explain," he said. "It may just be
the result of being in something for a long time. You start re-examining.
It might just be the natural curiosity -- a sort of wondering about what else is out there."
Dr. Kurdek also examined the factors that predict the rate of change. He
looked at three major sets of predictors: divorce history, the presence of children and personality variables. He found that couples who have children together, not children from previous marriages, experienced the steepest decline.
"There is ample evidence to indicate that having kids changes the overall
quality of marriage," Dr. Kurdek said. "For the most part these couples
are dealing with young kids, and they require extensive levels of supervision. You're spending less time together as a couple, may not have
a lot of time and energy for sexual affection, and there's a lot more to
argue about.
"My own sense is that a lot of our emotional responses are based on
expectation. If you can prepare for these declines, then chances are if
you're happy over all, the level of commitment can stay high."
An expert on couples and mental health, Dr. Jerry I. Cooper, former chief of psychiatry at York Finch General Hospital near Toronto, called the study interesting but added:
"People have to use common sense and judgment. In marriages, the damage
is done from the beginning. Before you have children, you're going to get
a good preview of what your life is going to be like. If you're not
getting along now, later on you're not going to get along."
-- rockabillie at 1:01 p.m.